Stage City

It’s a simple question. We have a complicated answer:

• Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They complain to the director during notes.
• Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!
• Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. Call the technical director to deal with it.
• Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. Call the master electrician to fix it.
• Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: They don’t change bulbs, only lamps. It’s a props problem.
• Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp? Better talk to the lighting designer.
• Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. Call a technician.
• Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, if they can find the right size lamp and figure out how to replace it. They need direction.
• Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 4… no, make that 3… on second thought 4… well, better make it 5, just to be safe.
• Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. “Doesn’t the stage manager do that?”
• Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It’s on my list… it’s on my list…
• Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They can never find their light.
• Q: How many theater critics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: All of them – one to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, one to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain, reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.
• Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to do it, one to crinkle a candy wrapper and another to say, “ROSE, HE’S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB.”
• Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Do we really have to have another light bulb? It’s not in the budget.
• Q: How many playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Change? Change? Why does it have to change? It’s perfect just the way it is.
• Q: How many set designers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Does it really have to be a light bulb?

Better to stay in the dark?